When we’re children, we don’t understand the concept of ‘control.’

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We perceive each moment of life as new and novel. The highs (candy, play time, running in the grass) are quite high, and the lows (scraping a knee, timeouts) are abysmally low. Each of these moments seem to just happen without our doing, and our emotions flow naturally, if volatiley, alongside them. 

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When we grow up, we develop a degree of emotional maturity. Not getting what you want might bring forth sadness or irritation, but for most of us, it’s not a full blown meltdown anymore. But, with our more advanced, deeply conditioned brains, we start to form judgements about what happens in our lives. 

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“It should have happened differently.” 

“If only I had done x, y, and z instead this wouldn’t have happened.” 

“Why can’t I ever get this one thing right?” 

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These judgments actually derive from a single, deeply embedded belief that we form over our years of development: I can control what happens to me with the right actions. 

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This belief seems to make sense at first, but in this post, I’d like to offer you a dramatic, alternative take. This belief is actually fundamentally flawed and untrue and when you can see through it, you have taken a gigantic step towards psychological freedom. 

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Actions versus outcomes

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The main issue with the belief outlined above is that it confuses actions with outcomes. 

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I’d posit that for the most part, we are in control of our actions. Although, given where you fall on the spectrum of free will’s existence (and that’s an ENTIRE other blog post) one could argue that even one’s own actions aren’t a “choice,” but are all just deeply conditioned, repetitive patterns that unfold automatically and get rationalized as a “choice” by our conscious minds later on. 

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Regardless of your stance on free will, we can acknowledge that there is always the appearance of both a choice and one who chooses. Which is really all that’s relevant for this topic.

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Most of us confuse actions with outcomes constantly throughout our day. We internalize plans like “if I study for the test, then I’ll get an A” or “if I work hard on this project, I’ll get a promotion” as ways to give us a sense of certainty and predictability about our lives. Our brains despise uncertainty and will do anything to stop us from sitting in a space of not knowing for too long. That includes giving us a sense of false certainty that we can control what happens in the next moment. 

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But when you look deeply at your own lived experience, I hope that you can see that you have never actually been in control of the outcomes of your life—you have only ever influenced them with your actions. The story of the “self-made” man or woman that we are all fed in school is really just that—a story, a myth, and an illusion. Nobody is self made; we are all life made. 

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None of us gets to choose our race, sex, gender, parents, upbringing, or economic status. We don’t get to choose our next thought. And we certainly don’t get to choose how external circumstances—disasters, illness, winning the lottery, getting an inheritance, and many more—appear in our lives. 

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We are not ever controlling outcomes. We are only ever dancing in the moment with what arises in our lives and making choices based on what appears. And it is very likely that those “choices” are going to be actions we’ve done before—unless we start developing the awareness to interrupt our regular patterns. 

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If this makes you uncomfortable, you’re on the right track

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If seeing this written down is bringing up some fear or anxiety in you, that’s a sign that you’re onto something. But if it’s too much to process right now, feel free to close this article and come back when you’re ready. 

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I became incredibly anxious and fearful when I first learned all this 4 years ago. Prior to this understanding, I had lived my life under the illusion of control. I thought I was a special, unique person whose skills and talents resulted in all of the positive things that occurred in my life. I thought that all my hard work got me to where I am today. Seeing all that questioned was a major blow to my ego, and there was intense fear because the implication was that reality was unpredictable and uncontrollable, which meant that I was truly at its mercy at every moment. 

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But here’s the thing—that belief in my own abilities as a controller and a do-er was actually making me quite sick. I was prone to panic attacks, intense ruminative worry, and irritability. When I didn’t get what I wanted, it meant that either I was the problem, or somebody else was. Either I didn’t have the right skills or capabilities to get what I wanted (which led to self-hatred and workaholism to ‘close the gaps’) or other people were getting in my way, which meant I had to either remove or outmaneuver them. 

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The high that I got from believing in my own egoic powers of control was like a gilded cage I kept building around myself. And with each gold bar I added, the room I had to live and just breathe was getting smaller and smaller.

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Why seeing the horrors breaks the cage

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We develop false beliefs about control because we have been hurt in the past. Our brains don’t want us to experience that emotional pain again, so they devise strategies and plans that give us the illusion of control. Study hard, work hard, don’t say the wrong thing, dress cooler, text him daily, and you’ll get the thing that you want. 

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But in reality, we’re never in control of anything that happens to us—we can only take actions that influence the probability of an outcome. And even then, probability is not a guarantee. You can study as hard as you want for the test, but still fail it. 

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At first this is horrifying because you must accept that yes, bad and even terrible things will happen to you and you are powerless to prevent them. 

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But the flipside perspective is that this is also incredibly liberating, because all of the good things that happened were also not in your control, and you are here now, alive, today. Life took care of you even though it has also undeniably given you pain, too. 

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In yoga, we teach that pain is unavoidable, but suffering is optional. When you look at your life today, how much of what happens to you is true pain versus emotional suffering? Another way to ask that is: how much of your dissatisfaction comes from you trying to control a specific outcome versus circumstance? 

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The tummyache, a breakup, a failure at work. This is all pain. It is unavoidable, and part of your ticket to ride in life. You don’t ever get to become a human that never experiences pain, inconvenience, or dissatisfaction. To never experience those would be inhumane in and of itself.

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Worrying about when the tummy ache will strike again, wallowing in memories of the terminated relationship, trying to ‘fix’ yourself because you cannot fail next time. This is suffering. It is entirely optional, and we create it when we hold onto the belief that we control outcomes.

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What does it mean to live from a place of detachment? 

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I am not advocating that you stop doing things that you love, or that you stop doing things at all. I am also not advocating that you take on a victim mindset and assume that you’re entirely powerless.

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I am advocating that you do your best to influence a positive outcome but understand that what actually happens is out of your control. And if that outcome is what you want, thank both life and yourself! If it’s not what you want, forgive both life and yourself and try again. 

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Study as hard as you want for the test. If you get the A, go celebrate and enjoy it. If you get a C, do not blame yourself or anybody else. Be honest about if there were more influential actions you could’ve taken. If there are, then do those next time. If there aren’t, forgive both yourself, and life, and move on.  

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Control, like many things in our lives, is a paradox. We think we need it to get what we want. But the more we try to grasp it, the more constrained, rigid, and sick we become. The more we forgo it, the more relaxed, poised, and intentional we become with our actions. Relaxed, poised, and intentional actions tend to be more influential and are more likely to get us what we want. 

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I know firsthand that it’s hard to sit in the uncertainty that the control illusion fills in. If you are taking steps to become less control centric and need some help navigating the way, I’d love to help. Reach out to me to book a free coaching discovery call. 

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Photo by Ave Calver on Unsplash.com